Why Boys 2 Men?

I thought I'd share the inspiration for writing my Boys 2 Men series... 

I see a part of our culture promoting exasperation, eye-rolling, & sighing as appropriate responses to very normal boy behavior.  These very approved responses tell of our disregard and disrespect for what males (& their inherent qualities) offer to our society.  The immediate response is to see energy as unusual and medicate away this "problem."  

This makes me mad, honestly.  Mad enough to write about such things.  I really want to enjoy my boys.  I want others to delight in theirs as well -- no treasure compares to a delighted-in boy.  I want to give approving smiles, warmth, generous affirmation and an evil eye, when necessary, to the little men I love.  Join me?

Caine's Arcade

I thought this would be a fitting Postscript to the Boys 2 Men thoughts.  I love this little boy's brain.  Aren't ya glad his dad didn't cart his XBOX to his office to keep him occupied?!

http://cainesarcade.com/

Boys 2 Men Part 5

   Respect His Mind

As I see it, the boy brain has one primary question:

“What will happen if…”

…I drop this into the toilet.

…I pull this toilet paper.

…I throw this rock.

...I jump from here.

...I go this fast.

I read after an author (can’t remember who!)  who called this “calculating risk.”  That idea has made sense to me ever since.  I can see it in my boys’ faces as they’re climbing a ladder or considering their next great exploit.  Their brains are calculating the risk involved.  Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose, but their desire to risk is something to encourage and guide whenever possible.

 

Boys’ desire to risk and see what will happen represents a curiosity and courage that is central to godly manhood.  This courage is fed and fostered by attempting and conquering. 

If your boy is always reaching for ill-advised ventures…point him toward some more appropriate ones.

And the next time his tiny feet climb a too-tall ladder – watch his little toes compensate and calculate the risk.  Its fascinating.

Wonder why I don't have more pictures of the risking??? ha!

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This is my final post in this series.  I'm assuming you all know that I know that I don't know everything there is to know about mothering boys...  I write because I was surprised by the differences I encountered (and so early on!), &  also need the reminders in my moment by moment interactions with them.  Thanks for reading and also for the many fun comments.  I enjoy my boys and I love to hear you're enjoying yours too.

Boys 2 Men Part 4

       Respect His Physical-ness and teach him to communicate about his Feelings

Boys are physical.  They are generally more physically aware than emotionally aware.  Mama’s job is to teach him about his emotions – naming them and appropriately expressing them – and how they relate to his physical-ness.

A classic scenario happened a few months ago when some guests were eating at our house.  Their little guy wasn’t wanting to sit in the booster seat and eat.  Frustration was escalating, and finally he just got down and walked around.  Soon he returned to the kitchen with a fragrance that he hadn’t left with.  He had business to do…he couldn’t express, “Dad and mom, I need to go to the bathroom.  I don’t think that’s appropriate table manners, could I be excused?”   His only way to express his physical need was frustration.

Questions - this is the best method I’ve found for learning about my boy in this way.  When a boy is acting out of frustration and general grumpiness, I’ve learned to ask, “Are you hungry?  Thirsty?  Do you need to go to the bathroom?”  You can also ask, "Are you sad? Mad? Tired?"

It might seem that I’m just avoiding dealing with their bad behavior.  I hope I’m not.  My goal is to honor their physical & emotional needs, while understanding that they aren’t adept at communicating those needs.

Sometimes, their behavior is the actual problem.   If the issue continues after the physical need is taken care of I’ll have another chance to sort that out with him and I will have maintained my integrity.  I mean, I won’t have disciplined without understanding or in anger, which is extremely frustrating to a son.  (See #1 in this series.)

A Note About the Boys 2 Men Series

A couple of friends have asked (in so many words) how what I'm saying in this post series is any different than dealing with girls... I agree there are a lot of similarities, but here's my explanation.

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My point with the boy posts is to help us moms remember our Goal (honorable Men), and therefore inspect & tweak our heart motivation for behavior modification. I don't desire to create only obedient Boys, who don't embarrass me - I hope to create strong, proactive, honorable Men.  I believe one way to achieve this is by remembering that goal and to appeal to the Respect code that is inherent in men very early in this process.

The way not to raise an honorable Man (or to leave him confused) is to discipline at your own convenience and to discipline (or bribe or whatever) to keep you from being embarrassed, etc. Another important part of not raising an honorable man is to assume he is emotionally just like you or his sisters.

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So, in other words, the biggest difference between our approach to boys & girls might be between Mama's ears. ;)

Boys 2 Men Part 3

1.        Respect His Hopes and Dreams

(Veggie Tales Band)

God must have put a Hopes and Dreams gene into boys.  They seem to be made to think long-term, BIG thoughts - as big as the sound effects that they produce.  Wow.  Nothing small or weak will do, it has to be powerful, loud and amazing.

Right now, my boys have endless conversations (sounds too, of course) about space ships and rockets and sheer awesomeness that I just don’t get sometimes.  They are thinking BIG thoughts that God made them to think.  This dreaming and imagination is what will spur them on to attempt remarkable things for God.  And also, to jump from the dresser at times…

Their affinity for super-heroes is connected to the image of God stamped on them - what kind of hero mind must God have??  They dream of carrying out mind-boggling feats and achieving incredible exploits. This makes me remember how important it is that I create the framework for what "heroic" really is.   Someone who is paid mega-millions to act like a toddler on the ball field?  Or men who sacrifice for worthy, God-honoring causes... My job is to point them to heroes who honor God and the greatest Hero ever – Jesus.

Soon, make some time to sit and give your undivided attention to your son and ask him to tell you all his hopes and dreams…

Boys to Men Part 2

1.        Respect His Plans and Schedule By Communicating

Boys need training and communication about your schedule and plans.  We all can get a little testy when some new thing is sprung on us, don't we?  “We’re going to the store!  Get on your shoes!”  Some kids might do just fine…but others… maybe they just got their lego town all set up, or they were planning to play outside next.  Massive meltdown ensues…  Its worth it to learn to communicate well with your boys (& girls) and they will learn, from your example, a life skill that will benefit them their whole life.

Why communicate?

1.  Communication usually increases cooperation.

“Hey, guys!  We are going to go get groceries when the timer goes off.  We aren’t going to buy any toys or candy, but at walmart we can get a cookie if the lady is there with the stickers.  How does that sound?”

 C2.  Communication can pull their mind forward and give them a sense of next.

Our Heath went thru a phase where he hated rest time…one day I said, “After your nap you’re going to feel really happy and we’re going to go outside…”  It was like a hook that pulled him forward to the next happy feeling past his distress about leaving all the action of the older kids. (I'll remember to use that tool again!)

3.  Communication feels very respectful - you esteem your child and their activity enough to explain.

Because you’re an adult you know that getting groceries is crucial to supper that evening, but all they can see is their Lego plans.  Communication can help ease and smooth transitions in your days.

4.  Communication allows you to honor their plans and schedule by giving them choices as well.

Leaving  store: “When we get home we’re going to have some lunch…would you like peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese sandwich?” 

“After lunch why don’t we read a couple books before naptime.  What would you like me to read to you?”

  

Choices let them practice Control.  Control is a real need for boys.  And that’s good, right?  You want them to feel the responsibility to control themselves and their environment (to some degree) later on in life.  They need practice doing that now, with your guidance.

Interestingly, even as babies, my boys have been much more peaceful with a predictable, simple schedule…